andicarusfell

Its time to go.

2005-11-06T08:28:01Z

I cant sleep here.

its been alright. we've been getting along. first time in a very long time. i am actually enjoying her company, its surprising.

But i cant sleep here. Theres unrest. Too many painfull memories. its not where i belong...im unsettled about it all. I'm back-peddling... or at the very least stagnent.

Its time to go. Go and sleep and eat be at peace again. Just a little longer.

andicarusfell @ 2005-11-05T21:04:00

2005-11-06T05:08:32Z

I want cocaine, coffee, and cigarettes.
long nights... driving around talking for hours, trying to find something to do...but finding an excuse, any excuse to keep doing exactly nothing. enjoying every bit of it... every second. I did. i knew it would end.. it had to end, anything that amazing and that destructive always does.
i miss you. i love you. i really do.

andicarusfell @ 2005-11-03T21:35:00

2005-11-04T05:37:21Z

You say that I treat you like a book on a shelf. I don't take you out that often
'cause I know that I've completed you and that's why you are here.
That is the reason why you stay here. How awful that must feel.

You said you would be my dream. I could have you every night and if, by morning,
I had forgotten you, well, no big deal, it would be all right because
you are the reoccurring kind. You are the reoccurring kind. You never really leave my mind.

Now I write when I'm away letters that you never read. You said go to explore those other women,
the geography of their bodies but there is just one map you'll need. You are a boomerang.
You'll see. You will return to me.

-bright eyes.

simply wonderful.

2005-08-29T04:10:57Z

I felt pretty today for the first time.. in as long as i can remember.

I went sailing with Garrett and Janelle.

Janelle let me borrow a yellow bakini that fit my simply perfectly.

My boobs are small again.. most girls would complain, but i like it that way. descrete but beautiful. simplicity.

I felt amazing and proper and out of place and weightless all at once.

I felt like a skinny little summer girl. I felt well taken care of. ANd... i actually enjoyed the day. I was content the entire time. peaceful. relaxed. hopeful almost, but not about anything imparticular.

Wonderful. simply wonderful.

what was that about fitting in?

2005-08-27T00:11:11Z

I simply do not belong. I went to the beach the other day... after i failed my drive test... I sat on the steps.. in my green raggy hoodie.. a random t-shirt, jeans, and my converse. same style i always wear. I looked out and saw a lot of people. skinny, very pretty girls in bakinis and blonde hair. people laughing. people just sitting there. people tanning, people surfing, people drinking. The night before i went to a party. then work. and everyone i encounter.. seem to be living in a different world than me. I'm lonely.. no matter how many people i surround myself with, less than a handfull in my life have come close to understanding me.. and those who think like me? well i've yet to meet one. I feel isolated. i cant connect to other.

Independence.............B

Cleanliness.................B

Ability to controll oneself.............A

Works well with others................F

by the way.. im still really fucking horny. this sucks.

yakyakyakyakyakyakyak

2005-08-25T01:28:37Z

I want to do so many drugs.. that i cannot feel my body.. I want powder. i need euphoria. I wont though. i'm not brave enough to hurt you. It would hurt me too much.

well fuck....

2005-08-25T00:31:42Z

...

fuck. here i am. again. whats wrong with the chemicals in my brain?

2005-08-20T04:28:25Z

I want to destroy something beautiful.

I suppose... i dont know..

2005-08-20T02:17:05Z

So.. I'll vent.. i've got nothing better to do.

I feel so purposeless. I'm just never satisfied. Its been about 6 months since i left home.. and already i'm bored, bored with my circumstances.. bored with the people around me... anxious even. I need more.. i need more out of life, i dont know what.. but its something. I wish very much that i believed in god.. I wish that that i could be foolish enough to think that there is something bigger than me out there besides all that is corrupt. I wish i could live for something other than the desire for completeness. I wish i was ignorant. I wish that i didnt have a care in the world.. and could live my life without knowing better. I just know that theres so much I could do.. theres so much that i'm not doing.. and will never do. Life is so short.. my time on this earth is so minimal and insignifacant. On one hand thats very comforting.. it puts things in perspective. but on the other hand.. i wake up every morning wondering why. I wake up at 5 and walk to work.. i work untill 3 or 4..and then i come back home.. where i sit around wondering if anyone is going to be free in the evening.. and usually.. no one is.. so i think. and dick around on line. and then eventually just when my thoughts are really begining to race.. or take a turn for the worst.. i'll put myself to bed. I HATE IT. I cant bare it. but.. what is the other option.. if there were one.. id take it. I want to do something impulsive.. i want to change everything about me.. but i dont know where to start. i dont care. i want someone to rescue me from this mundane life i lead.. i want that golden peice of advice.. that makes everything better. I know why people are religious. I get it. Fuck it.

written at age 18

2005-08-19T03:22:31Z

Emotion, the freedom to waste away alone. A full bodied aroma of despair. The completeness captured only in loss, in Nothingness. It is the security on the lock box of depression, encompassed by the cage of thoughts that swirl down continously but cannot fall because level ground is further up that can be reached by the shovel that is bloody from the blistered hands that crave it. Even in the opposite motion, even in the realization that a simple decision to climb rather than shovel... the slightest slip will jar memories of the firmiliar warmth of sadness and darkness. A subtle substitute for joy, that seems as a brother to it becomes more fitting. This brother is neither good or evil, it is simply the state that embodies human emotion. It is the glint in the eye that causes us to peir past what is seen and to look deeper into that sould to what is more. It is the tear that falls smoothly over the radiance of a child's face in the same way as it does the wise, the weak, the strong, the innocent. Its in the bright eyes that widen at the sight of a sunrise, and hurt rather than sing because the beauty is so stunning that it collapses burning lungs with breathless perfection.

written at age 18

2005-08-19T03:21:58Z

Through half lit alleys where sunlights' just a shadow
Like my darkened, sleeping soul, senseless graffiti spans the tired worn down walls
It was meaningful at one time, but time is gone, its now forgotten.
Art to some at one time, but none the less defilement.
Bullet holes and blood stained walls, assasin shoots, and hero falls, hopes a distant legend.
Darkness never fades here, and sunlight's non-existant.

If evolution moves us forward then why do we keep moving backwards, toward darkened souls and bullet holes and defiled hearts and minds
From far away the city lights look peacefull and serene
Hype and glamour mask reality
But the cities inner core hides thieves murderes and whores,

And like every last one of them...
I'm destitute and empty.

written at age 18

2005-08-19T03:20:15Z

My salvation comes from two white pills,
A razor, a bottle, a pool of blood.
Disposable love in a forest spread
Sarronaded by lust and pity
But drown out by the voices screaming in my head
7 weeks to capture, take 45
Then again to completion
And once more, but i'll drive
Never enough, though theres nothing to gain
Never again, torn in two by the shame

Faster and harder, its gone to the grave
I'll follow soon, 1 more cut, 4 more tears

written at age 17

2005-08-19T03:19:43Z

I'm dry without emotion laying dead upon my bed
I'm freezing cold its dark in here, this night may never end
My stereo plays out the songs I'm not deep enough to write
And sleep keeps fighting
And i'll keep writing of never ending nights.
And nothing ever seems the same after one o'clock
Everything is quiet and i'm left with just my thoughts
But even those are empty and i've got not much to say
Like the haze surrounding me, my mind is foggy grey.

Empty thoughts and coffee pots
Steal sleep away from me
Marijuana cigarettes and mommas herbal tea
Fast cars and movie stars and missing from my dreams
Stark white walls and pitch black halls
Nothings' what it seems.

written at age 17

2005-08-19T03:16:10Z

Forget me not, in time you will
Forging the passive voice
Bowling shoes spell hope
Foreign films speak love
Craving fire in poetry
There's something magic in controversy
In the negative and depressed
I'm lonely, i'm so lonely
And i love it with all of me
Could frozen food and curly hair save me more than me?
Forget me not. forget me now.

written at age 17

2005-08-19T03:15:31Z

Where is the line; what marks the point between reality and a dream. I no longer dream of anything, frightening or pleasent. I wake up every morning and breathe, I cry, I sing, I smile; but hoe many of these days which i polay out are just that, a sumple act... a script written and immagined... thought of in my head much the same way thses wods are flowing from a mangled mind onto this paper. What is the evidence pointing toward definite reality? Is it my ability to hurt? I have many times been awakend by an unbearable pain that cannot be explained by anything other than sharp cutting emotion manifesting itself through imagry in my dream world. Is it the joy that is captured through a simple pleasure? Again in sleep joy is magnified to nothing else comprable. And as i begin to feel sleep come over me, where is the assurance it truly is sleep, not awakening?

written at age 16

2005-08-19T03:13:11Z

Chorus of an unkown song
Unfinished and forgotten
Words attatched in empty ballads
meaningless and raw

It spells out a love of long ago
Floating, hanging from a single note
Waiting to fall into nothingness

Connected to nothing
Attatched to no one
Lonely like these lyrics
Dying like this song.

written at age 16

2005-08-19T03:11:47Z

Striking time away from here
I will lie lost and lonely
Holding on to fading dreams
Never letting go...of memories so frail a simple tear could split and shatter
Any sense of peace thats found in nostalgic recolections
Face a world of darkened skies
Swelling clouds match hazy eyes
Stares that tightly maask the soul
From disconnected passers by
Fear of growing cold and numb is replaced by heatfelt longing
In emptiness I'll be completely filled.

written at age 15

2005-08-19T03:11:08Z

The hunger of vanity is by a long way, the greatest predator to the most fragile of prey. The Dream. Pride is the beast that consumes itself along with all other things and will not realize that its so near death until everything else is dead first. But it will never die- the beast is immortal... or at least as immortal as the human heart it beats along side of. It lies dormant, waiting for the moment when it has enough strenth to rise again. Waiting for the point when the dream is strong. And just as it beats so very near to the heart, It begins to mirror the dream in the same fashion. All three beating in unison. Growing stronger and stronger intill the beast is satisfied at the size of the Dream, and all at once it is gone. It has been destroyed. The dream again consumed and excreted into bitter memories by the beast who again is dormant, beating so very close to the heart that keeps it alive.

written at age 14

2005-08-19T03:10:29Z

The genocide of noble souls, enlightened pain in place of innocent fools.
Invisability ceases
Immortality ends.
Nothing more bitter then the recollection of silenced friend.
Curses upon squandered dreams that slip through the fingers of forever.
Curses upon the hope that falls fo near to just in reach.
Let me fall away in glorious defeat.