andicarusfell

I cant sleep here.

its been alright. we've been getting along. first time in a very long time. i am actually enjoying her company, its surprising.

But i cant sleep here. Theres unrest. Too many painfull memories. its not where i belong...im unsettled about it all. I'm back-peddling... or at the very least stagnent.

Its time to go. Go and sleep and eat be at peace again. Just a little longer.

I felt pretty today for the first time.. in as long as i can remember.

I went sailing with Garrett and Janelle.

Janelle let me borrow a yellow bakini that fit my simply perfectly.

My boobs are small again.. most girls would complain, but i like it that way. descrete but beautiful. simplicity.

I felt amazing and proper and out of place and weightless all at once.

I felt like a skinny little summer girl. I felt well taken care of. ANd... i actually enjoyed the day. I was content the entire time. peaceful. relaxed. hopeful almost, but not about anything imparticular.

Wonderful. simply wonderful.

I simply do not belong. I went to the beach the other day... after i failed my drive test... I sat on the steps.. in my green raggy hoodie.. a random t-shirt, jeans, and my converse. same style i always wear. I looked out and saw a lot of people. skinny, very pretty girls in bakinis and blonde hair. people laughing. people just sitting there. people tanning, people surfing, people drinking. The night before i went to a party. then work. and everyone i encounter.. seem to be living in a different world than me. I'm lonely.. no matter how many people i surround myself with, less than a handfull in my life have come close to understanding me.. and those who think like me? well i've yet to meet one. I feel isolated. i cant connect to other.

Independence.............B

Cleanliness.................B

Ability to controll oneself.............A

Works well with others................F

 

by the way.. im still really fucking horny. this sucks.

So.. I'll vent.. i've got nothing better to do.

I feel so purposeless. I'm just never satisfied. Its been about 6 months since i left home.. and already i'm bored, bored with my circumstances.. bored with the people around me... anxious even. I need more.. i need more out of life, i dont know what.. but its something. I wish very much that i believed in god.. I wish that that i could be foolish enough to think that there is something bigger than me out there besides all that is corrupt. I wish i could live for something other than the desire for completeness. I wish i was ignorant. I wish that i didnt have a care in the world.. and could live my life without knowing better. I just know that theres so much I could do.. theres so much that i'm not doing.. and will never do. Life is so short.. my time on this earth is so minimal and insignifacant. On one hand thats very comforting.. it puts things in perspective. but on the other hand.. i wake up every morning wondering why. I wake up at 5 and walk to work.. i work untill 3 or 4..and then i come back home.. where i sit around wondering if anyone is going to be free in the evening.. and usually.. no one is.. so i think. and dick around on line. and then eventually just when my thoughts are really begining to race.. or take a turn for the worst.. i'll put myself to bed. I HATE IT. I cant bare it. but.. what is the other option.. if there were one.. id take it. I want to do something impulsive.. i want to change everything about me.. but i dont know where to start. i dont care. i want someone to rescue me from this mundane life i lead.. i want that golden peice of advice.. that makes everything better. I know why people are religious. I get it. Fuck it.

Emotion, the freedom to waste away alone. A full bodied aroma of despair. The completeness captured only in loss, in Nothingness. It is the security on the lock box of depression, encompassed by the cage of thoughts that swirl down continously but cannot fall because level ground is further up that can be reached by the shovel that is bloody from the blistered hands that crave it. Even in the opposite motion, even in the realization that a simple decision to climb rather than shovel... the slightest slip will jar memories of the firmiliar warmth of sadness and darkness. A subtle substitute for joy, that seems as a brother to it becomes more fitting. This brother is neither good or evil, it is simply the state that embodies human emotion. It is the glint in the eye that causes us to peir past what is seen and to look deeper into that sould to what is more. It is the tear that falls smoothly over the radiance of a child's face in the same way as it does the wise, the weak, the strong, the innocent. Its in the bright eyes that widen at the sight of a sunrise, and hurt rather than sing because the beauty is so stunning that it collapses burning lungs with breathless perfection.

Through half lit alleys where sunlights' just a shadow
Like my darkened, sleeping soul, senseless graffiti spans the tired worn down walls
It was meaningful at one time, but time is gone, its now forgotten.
Art to some at one time, but none the less defilement.
Bullet holes and blood stained walls, assasin shoots, and hero falls, hopes a distant legend.
Darkness never fades here, and sunlight's non-existant.

If evolution moves us forward then why do we keep moving backwards, toward darkened souls and bullet holes and defiled hearts and minds
From far away the city lights look peacefull and serene
Hype and glamour mask reality
But the cities inner core hides thieves murderes and whores,

And like every last one of them...
I'm destitute and empty.

Desprate atempt in filling up lines,
filling up lyrics to fill up my life

The empty spaces, like puzzle pieces
stare into me with challenging eyes.

Silly adjectives that threaten to give meaning
make me understand the gap

Flawed minds write flawed books,
write flawed sonetts, write flawed songs

Indescreatly, increasingly unorigional vocabulary words

26 letters

Describe me, Describe you, Describe it.

Showing fully flawed minds, show fully flawed reason, show flawed thought.

My salvation comes from two white pills,
A razor, a bottle, a pool of blood.
Disposable love in a forest spread
Sarronaded by lust and pity
But drown out by the voices screaming in my head
7 weeks to capture, take 45
Then again to completion
And once more, but i'll drive
Never enough, though theres nothing to gain
Never again, torn in two by the shame

Faster and harder, its gone to the grave
I'll follow soon, 1 more cut, 4 more tears

I'm dry without emotion laying dead upon my bed
I'm freezing cold its dark in here, this night may never end
My stereo plays out the songs I'm not deep enough to write
And sleep keeps fighting
And i'll keep writing of never ending nights.
And nothing ever seems the same after one o'clock
Everything is quiet and i'm left with just my thoughts
But even those are empty and i've got not much to say
Like the haze surrounding me, my mind is foggy grey.

Empty thoughts and coffee pots
Steal sleep away from me
Marijuana cigarettes and mommas herbal tea
Fast cars and movie stars and missing from my dreams
Stark white walls and pitch black halls
Nothings' what it seems.

The windows down, the rain comes pouring in
And i have found myself creeping to reality again
The harsh awakening of wind arcross my face
Carries me away from this notalgic state
I understand now that eternity cannot be bought in a currency of memories and hope filled dreams and wishful thoughts
I understand how innocence cannot be taught, for virgin minds appear and in one more second they will rot.
The musics up, in hopes of drowning out my mind
I fill my cup, a perfect mix of sadness, tears and sour wine.
The harsh awakening of bitterness across my lips
Brings me quickly out of this melodramatic trip
And i get the feeling that sobriety aint worth a lot in a world where youre nothing unless you're something that youre not.
And i get the feeling that emotions get you caught with no logical thiunking in the war that love and hate fought.

And i wish that i could fall asleep on a bed of nails and feel no pain.
And in the morning when i wake i'd be purged of all the guilt and shame of being in the human race
No longer would i hide my face, curse the world and cry.
I'd strongly stand on weakened legs and stare into the mirror and know...
That i will be immortal until the day i die.

Forget me not, in time you will
Forging the passive voice
Bowling shoes spell hope
Foreign films speak love
Craving fire in poetry
There's something magic in controversy
In the negative and depressed
I'm lonely, i'm so lonely
And i love it with all of me
Could frozen food and curly hair save me more than me?
Forget me not. forget me now.

Where is the line; what marks the point between reality and a dream. I no longer dream of anything, frightening or pleasent. I wake up every morning and breathe, I cry, I sing, I smile; but hoe many of these days which i polay out are just that, a sumple act... a script written and immagined... thought of in my head much the same way thses wods are flowing from a mangled mind onto this paper. What is the evidence pointing toward definite reality? Is it my ability to hurt? I have many times been awakend by an unbearable pain that cannot be explained by anything other than sharp cutting emotion manifesting itself through imagry in my dream world. Is it the joy that is captured through a simple pleasure? Again in sleep joy is magnified to nothing else comprable. And as i begin to feel sleep come over me, where is the assurance it truly is sleep, not awakening?

The killik sinks below
And the supple stave explodes
For the sorrow of the secrets overwhelming
And all thats left are remnants of rotten lies and premonitions
And graffiti from the blood stains from the vampires that watch

The tattoos of spineless sailors cradled in the mind
The treasure chest is yours to keep as the memories are mine
Theyre folded in the gold I've claimed
And tucked close to my heart
Bound to me with timeless chains that will never break apart.

Chorus of an unkown song
Unfinished and forgotten
Words attatched in empty ballads
meaningless and raw

It spells out a love of long ago
Floating, hanging from a single note
Waiting to fall into nothingness

Connected to nothing
Attatched to no one
Lonely like these lyrics
Dying like this song.

Striking time away from here
I will lie lost and lonely
Holding on to fading dreams
Never letting go...of memories so frail a simple tear could split and shatter
Any sense of peace thats found in nostalgic recolections
Face a world of darkened skies
Swelling clouds match hazy eyes
Stares that tightly maask the soul
From disconnected passers by
Fear of growing cold and numb is replaced by heatfelt longing
In emptiness I'll be completely filled.